Confessions of A Writerholic

Thursday, February 24, 2005

http://evangelinekelly.blogspot.com

Go there to see my new blog. If you like me, you'll probably go; if you hate my guts, you'll probably go to make snarky comments about me. But either way, go if you feel like it.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

As freedom's sower in the wasteland
Before the morning star I went;
From hand immaculate and chastened
Into the grooves of prisonment
Flinging the vital seed I wandered--
But it was time and toiling squandered,
Benevolent designs misspent...
Pushkin, 1823

I'm feeling a bit at loose ends now that I've been cut loose from my haven of support. Once again, I am taking a break from this blogging thing. It's a place to vent my frustrations, but it's becoming frustrating to even vent about my frustrations because of lack of support. I'm at an impass that I am eager to approach, and yet am not so eager to approach due to the fact that for the past year and a half, I've never been completely ALONE with this writing thing. I started writing seriously, then I immediately found writing groups, then I found reading groups, then slowly but surely, I found particular writers to converse with.

But now that I am 100% alone, it's a singularly novel and somewhat ironic experience considering the fact that I've always been somewhat of an independent sort of person. It's with a mixture of guilt, resentment, relief and trepidation that I face this new horizon. I appreciate the things and words various people have given me. It's not so much of a fact that I'm going to ignore others, or pretend that I don't need them, or to dart back and forth with others when I do need them and ignore them when I don't--though I've recieved that sort of treatment from a few writers--but that I need to do this alone in order to prepare myself for myself. I've gotten into unwise habit of depending on others to assist me with develping my writer's mentality and personality, and when I do sell, it can't continue--what if I have deadlines, but because no one is there to bolster me verbally or with emotional support, I can't get into the "mood" to write?

I appreciate all of my writing acquaintances and the various support they've given me, but I'm one of those persons who can fall into bad habits concerning people, and before I become a published author, I need to get rid of them. I'm not disappearing 100%--there's always email and various message boards--but this public forum, with its own expectations and emotional upheavals is going on a vacation. As I'm writing this, I can feel that dependent pull upon my person; that pull of wanting to be a part of a crowd, of wanting to be a part of something because I've never truly had acquaintances that "got" me, to continue to blog because it's a means of making me feel as though I am somehow important in this scheme of things.

But I am important regardless of whether I have one to a million people reading and responding to my blogs and various insights. This has all been a great learning experience, and one that I am still learning. I wish everyone that read this blog and commented on it the best of luck whether it takes them a year to four years or more to sell--I still have your back. Feel free to email me about whatever, whenever, wherever. I enjoyed this, and I might do it again when I sell.

Friday, November 19, 2004

In hopes of fame and bliss to come
I gaze ahead with resolution
The dawn of Peter's sun was glum
With turmoil and with execution

~Pushkin, Stanzas 1826

I'm writing for NY, but I'm also writing for me. I've found that I can't do one without the other. Attempting to write for NY dampens my creativity and enthusiasm. Attempting to write for myself always leaves me feeling as though I'm missing something and missing out on something--and I start to look at the market again anyways. I think I've found out the meaning of when someone says to write the book of your heart=it's a combination of writing what you want, and finding a correctly fitting slot to fit it into the NY publishing keyhole.

At the moment, I'm in the midst of plotting and planning a historical romance set in 1904 England that's a mixture of Beauty and the Beast and Taming of the Shrew with a large dash of The Buccaneers in it. It's really wonderful and I can't wait to start actually writing it.

Congrats to Sylvia for her award winning manuscripts! I had the priviledge of perusing some of her chapters and they were engaging and lively. She deserves all of the accolades she's been recieving.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Listen, maiden!
- She is not listening -
It's broad daylight! In a town!
Near you there's no living soul.
What are you grasping at all around?
Whom are you calling, whom are you greeting?
- She does not listen. -

~Adam Mickiewicz, Romanticism (1821)

I just hate it when I have two awesome protagonists, but I can't find their story. I'm thinking that I should discover the theme of the story to discover what I am trying to prove within the plot. I'm a little scared because this book is going to be a departure for me because it has plenty of action, adventure, humor and sensualness, and I don't want to mess it up. One thing I do know is that I'm going to be either adapting or skewering popular fairy tales as the basis of this book, and the other books that could possibly follow it.

I bought Mercedes Lackey's "The Fairy Godmother"because the title popped out at me when I was browsing Wal-Mart's book section. I don't normally read fantasy--in fact, never read it--but as part of my new writing goals for myself I am going to begin to read books outside of the genre(yet that still have a strong romance subplot), and I'm starting with this one. I did notice that Lackey has also written some fairy-tale-ish books set in the Edwardian era. Score! *G*

If I walk the noisy streets,
Or enter a many thronged church,
Or sit among the wild young generation,
I give way to my thoughts.

~Pushkin, Thoughts

As Buffy says "Live In The Now". And even though she was referring to a vampire's horrendous taste in fashion, that line stuck with me; usually to be whipped out when entertaining(or torturing,depending on whom you ask *g*) my family with my memory of tons of quotes from that show. It's meaning didn't become real to me until just recently.

Live in the now. That is, live for today. It's great to have goals for the future, or even the nearby future, but it became a snowball effect because I didn't make goals for NOW. I made goals for two months from now, goals for a year from now, goals for five years from now, but little old today? Nope.

It was painful and gutwrenching, but I put aside those future goals and made a list of goals that could be done every single day; one day at a time.

I think that as an unpublished author, even though we may be past the bloom of the "first youth" of writing continues to get caught up in time. Like "once I finished this manuscript and edit it, I can send it out to an agent/editor to have something out there, circulating(or because everyone else is doing it) a few [insert time] ahead of schedule!" or "I just found out that it's going to take me [insert time of months/days/years] to complete this MS!!" or "Editing/Revising this MS is getting tedious!" and other things like that.

Being unpublished(w/o a job) gave me PLENTY of time to do whatever I want, whether that included chucking aside a manuscript because it was taking too long, chucking aside a story idea because it wasn't germenating into a premise,theme and 3-D characters fast enough, pounding away at the keyboards every day to meet daily word count deadlines regardless of whether it was any good or not--or whether it had anything to do with the plot and/or advanced the character arcs--, or speeding through the editing procress because "Jane Doe Writer says that she can edit and write her books in XX amount of time" or "Author X has a new release! The months are passing by too quickly!",etc.

Now that I have a job and mucho time constraints, it forced me to step back "whoa, whoa, whoa!" and see the bad habits and thought patterns I was forming for myself. I didn't know it, but I was sabotauging myself. Not only by my constant "rubber-necking" of other authors, but because of the tiny little, evil, devious, very-well-hidden factor of setting really high goals, so that if I failed, I could taunt myself with the failure and justify why I wasn't published and why I would never be published.

But I'm over that now, and I've not only set daily goals, but goals to improve my prose, goals that will help me learn how to create 3-D characters and themes/premises, goals that will help me become a better writer and a person outside of writing.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

The storm wind covers the sky
Whirling the fleecy snow drifts,
Now it howls like a wolf,
Now it is crying, like a lost child,
Now rustling the decayed thatch
On our tumbledown roof,
Now, like a delayed traveller,
Knocking on our window pane.
~Winter Evening by Pushkin

I think the real reason why I am having so much trouble settling on an idea to develop, or even to sit down and write is partially to do with my earlier post about my "nemesis".

I am drawn to setting my historical romances in exotic settings and/or with less than "romancy" heroes and heroines at times, but then my imagination is at war with wanting to succeed at writing for an NY publisher--a totally different ballgame than writing for yourself, or even a small press--and even attaining a measure of success.

I want to sell to my targeted NY publisher/editor, but I am afraid that if I compromise on plots that interest me in lieu of writing something more "marketable", I might be stuck writing that way for the remainder of my career. But then, when I try to make something fit within the High Concept idea, I lose my passion for it and I sink back down into worry and fretting.

What's worse is when there are those occasional breakout authors who do something different and great and becoming moderatly successful; and yet publishers still take the easy way out with everyone else. I've begun to not believe the old adage "once you become super successful, you'll be able to write anything you want to" because as I troll about AAR's message boards from time to time, I realize that readers expect certain things from authors once they've been reading them for a while. Sure, there may be some long time readers who are delighted with the different product their favorite author may present, but the majority are disappointed and baffled at the change. (Though, I'd rather have everyone talking about me than not at all. *G*).

So, as the title says, I'm working on juggling my integrity, creativity and compromise in order to write the best darn manuscript I can and hopefully obtain my targeted literary agent who hopefully sells it to my targeted publisher.

Quotes

PS: Have you noticed yet that the Victorian is the new Regency? I'll bet that within a few years, this fickle, fickle romance world will be bemoaning the outpouring of Victorian set historicals. *GGG*

Friday, November 05, 2004

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.--Oscar Wilde

The Wal-Mart Chronicles. Experience It. Live It.

I'm not writing. [insert mournful groans here]. I'm truely and really taking a breather this time. All I'm doing is reading, researching my new time period, and writing snatches of monologues. The end of 2004 is going to be a time of reflection and preparation for 2005. This time last year, I was just joining my writing groups and getting serious about writing, but I still hadn't reached the insights I'd just discovered this past summer. But I see everything as a learning experience--especially terrible manuscripts.

The one thing that has changed is that I am slightly,ever so slightly, cynical about this business. Watching some very surprising career leaps and some not so surprising leaps, I've come to realize that this is not truly a business dedicated to excellent writing. It's all about hooking readers and branding authors. I'm not naming names, but I shall use my personal "nemesis", Author X as an example.

Author X is my "nemesis" because their career leap was such a fluke. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was envious at first; but then it mellowed to extreme competitiveness; even though Author X is very much a published author, and then the fact that we don't even know each other.

(I personally think that having a so-called "nemesis" is such a good thing--it keeps you on your toes and gives you something to strive for and beyond. Think of it this way: remember that girl in your class? The one who knew all of the answers and was soooo smug about it? You remember how you wanted to beat her so badly that you studied even harder to get better grades than she, even though really, you could care less about her--it's just that competing against someone made you feel exhilarated. That's how I feel. Because basically, once you sell, whether you're friends with your own Author X or not, you're in competition. But since we're women, we're not supposed to be competetive. *GGG*)

I don't know, but I'm a bit psychic, and I predicted Author X's career leap--in fact, I had a feeling that Sabrina Jefferies would make NYT best-seller status with "Married to the Viscount", as weird as it sounds--but I was still astounded and envious of it when it happened. Why? Because, Author X's books read like first or second drafts! I'm not a perfect writer, but I can honestly and unarrogantly say that I am a better writer than Author X. So I did a little digging to discover the dynamics to Author X's quick success. Here's what I discovered:

1) Author X's book happened to be released in a month that saw a whole bunch of new or under the radar author releases, with only two major best-selling author releases out. So basically, the consumer pocketbook was up for grabs after those two best-seller's books were purchased.

2) Author X's first book had an awesomely beautiful cover that would grab everyone's attention. Heck, before Author X became my nemesis, the cover grabbed me and made me buy their book.

3) Author X's book had a very large and very compelling hook--regardless of what was inside.

4) Author X's first three chapters were very sparkling and animated.

5) Author X's second book had an extra eye-catching title and cover and back cover blurb.

6) Author X is published by a major publisher well known for publishing their type of books.

7) Author X launched a very good marketing campaign to get consumers to buy their second book. (Heck, I was hooked by it too!)

Even though it doesn't sound like it to the discerning ear, I'm not bitter, nor am I snacking on sour grapes. In fact, ignoring my previous investigation, I'm happy for Author X's career reaching what they obviously strived for. In fact, regardless of whether I like an author's books or not, I respect them for having gotten published, a mean feat in itself, and for attaining the success that only a few obtain. Of course, I shall be shooting to attain that measure of success, but in it's own time. I'm in no rush to become harried by publisher deadlines, and whatnot. I'm finally allowing myself to enjoy the fruits of being unpublished.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Chere Jane gave me some encouraging words earlier, and Marguerite helped me out too, so thank you, thank you, thank you.

So I was watching Veronica Mars, and I got a flash of insight on the characterization of a heroine of one of my WIP's. I'm still trying to mesh this new insight with her old one and the original plot, but this was one of the missing links. I still have a few more left, but I'm calm, confident and relaxed about this now. No more stressing and rushing this writing thing. All good things come with time, is how I see it. Making myself anxious about things always makes me produce mediocre work, so "stop that!" (that's me rapping myself on the wrist. LOL).

But, I also really enthused now because all of the books I ordered from the library have arrived and I can go pick them up tommorow! All of my Edwardian research books(well...technically research for the 1890's, because apparently, the Edwardian age truly started a decade before 1901, when Queen Victoria was really old and turned into a really big recluse.) and Pam Rosenthal's books and a Julia Ross book--an author I've been dying to get my hands on because of the great things I've heard.

I just hope my osmosis doesn't kick in. *G*

I have outlasted all desire,
My dreams and I have grown apart;
My grief alone is left entire,
The gleanings of an empty heart.
The storms of ruthless dispensation
Have struck my flowery garland numb-
I live in lonely desolation
And wonder when my end will come.
Thus on a naked tree-limb, blasted
By tardy winter's whistling chill,
A single leaf which has outlasted
Its season will be trembling still.

Alexander Pushkin
1821

I am at the highest pinnacle of frustration. You know, that point where you just want to throw a tantrum because you just can't seem to care. *G* It is a conspiracy that once my personal and everyday life gets on track, I fall off of the tracks with my writing.

I took a three week hiatus from writing anything except for job resumes and writing prompts, and now that I'm in the mood for writing, I freeze up and feel inadequate when trying to make my characters come alive and plotting. I have the premises sitting right here, right in front of me, but everytime I look at them and think about the work that goes into creating a wonderful book, I start zoning out!

I've also been in a horrible reading mode. I know it's partially because I really want Adele Ashworth's new book, and that highly anticipation state ruins me somewhat for other books, but I feel like snoozing at the thought of reading anything out there that I haven't already been anticipating.

I don't know, I'm somewhat bummed about this writing thing. I don't think that my writing sucks, I just think that I am eternally hopeless with getting to the writing and I will always be that way. Gah!

On the bright side, a side that shows some sort of hope, Sasha finaled in Tawny Taylor's Some Like It Hot! contest. Go Sasha!